So, Christmas is over in a flash, as usual….you prep for months and POOF, it’s gone and you’re back to work!
I got some nice gifts, and some crap…..I only wrote about the nice ones!
It was wierd this year…knowing it is quite possibly my Mom’s last Christmas left that black cloud over the whole deal for me. She is weaker each time I see her, she spent Christmas Eve in a chair, covered in blankets and not talking much, even if I tried to engage her in conversation..she has no energy, she’s always cold….Christmas day was the same thing..just in the chair, buried under blankets.
I have to ask myself, what kind of life is that? Looking back on the past 6 months, everything she has gone through, and everything my siblings and I have gone through..the stress, the worry, the crying, the mental anguish, the arguments - I’d rather if someone’s time was up that they just go. Rip the band aid off, deal with your grief, and try to move on with your life.
I feel like we are waiting…and waiting….is the chemo working? Is she going to be back to her old self again? And I feel like she is not really “living”……and no matter how hard you try, it’s hard to cherish these moments we have together…because of the black cloud that follows you around….it never goes away. Ever.