I fear that my Mother is losing her battle with Pancreatic Cancer. And I have had an internal struggle with myself for the past day or two as to whether I should even write this post….but, this is my outlet, and it may help someone else to read my words. I have to be strong, as I fear my older Sister is close to losing her grip, and Brother - well, let’s just say we could devote and entire blog to his issues and leave it at that - suffice to say I will need to be the leanee, and not the leaner. I cannot get them to talk to her about any of the things we need to discuss while she is here with us…..like, what kind of funeral arrangements does she want? Flowers? Church service? Seems like this is an important topic. What are we going to do with her husband after she is gone, as he cannot live alone? The answers I get from them? “I’m not doing that, my job is the medical part”….”Oh, that will upset her, we shouldn’t ask her that”….I think they have blinders on and think that if they ignore it, then it will never happen. This is the real world people. Our Mother is going to die…I’m not being insensitive, I deal with it on a daily basis….but someone has to be grounded through all of this or we will never survive. So, I get to handle all of those kind of things…when I thought it would be a good idea for all of us to do it TOGETHER.

Since the last time I saw her about a month ago, she has changed drastically…my older Sister warned me of the physical changes, and I took heed….but, there is nothing like the shock of seeing it with your own eyes, and feeling it…..I hugged her and it was all shoulder blade, I feared I would squeeze her in two if I was not gentle. She is skin and bones, no muscle,……and more belly..you can’t imagine what this looks like, think of the commericials for the starving children in 3rd world countries - skinny with a bloated belly. Ascites is an unfortunate side efffect of this cancer, and even though she had 6 liters drained out just last week…..her belly is as bloated as it ever looked to me, and uncomfortably tight, she looks like she’s about to give birth. She is 129 lbs, and I know it is all abdominal fluid, because the rest of her is like a stick, they can only drain so much out, as the body needs the rest….and she can only drain every 6 weeks or so. She has no energy. None. She sits all day. She goes to bed at 8pm, and takes 2 naps a day. She cannot walk across the room without holding onto something and moving very slowly…my Mother, who will only be 69 on Sunday, looks like a fragile little old woman, I have never seen her like this before…and it’s very difficult to swallow. This is a woman who went to the gym up until 6 months ago, who took walks with her husband and dog around the neighborhood. Who travelled every year. Now, it is a chore to get from her chair to the kitchen.

She starts another round of chemo on Monday, and I do not know how she is going to take it….but she insists on fighting, she has not lost her spirit.